Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
