The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
