I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
