I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
