what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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