trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
