I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
