call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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