Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I want her autograph on my taint
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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