I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize