jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
