well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
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I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
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Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
pray to the hookup gods
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine