You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
