made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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