Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
