Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
