It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
