Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
