There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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