That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I AM VODKA MAN
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
