Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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