goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
