Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
