I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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