I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
