They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
