Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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