Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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