i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
