well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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