Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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