I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
