My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
