Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
