Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
