Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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