Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
