i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
