im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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