I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
