Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
