Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
