Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
