I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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