I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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