How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
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Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
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jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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