I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
