The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
