That's intense
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
