yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
