I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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