so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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