Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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