Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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