Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
