I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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