Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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